–CHUNSLIN, #1

[This gem was crafted at the Black Thorn in the post-Squidgame session.  Don't you dare think you can get away with that every time, though!  I'm not sure why it was such a dark day if the Squids were victorious.  The literary ramifications of this review are mind-boggling!  A masterpiece of subtlety and intrigue.  Good show, OBLIVIA!  --PANCAKE MASTER, #88]

Three point eight inches. The diameter of a softball. Games and championships are decided by less than this margin. The two strike sinker from COOLHAND dropped into the dirt behind home plate after the mighty swing and whiff of the six foot, two hundred and fifty pound batter missed the ball by a full three point eight inches, maintaining the zero-zero tie ballgame.

That was the third out of the top of the first inning. In the subsequent half-inning, the Squids opened up a twenty run lead after CHUNSLIN smashed a five run homer to deep left field, scoring MANNY FRESH, PAYNIS, JENNIE and BEASTOR-X, who scored from his post as third base coach.

Further highlights included: MOTORBOAT scoring from first on a expertly placed suicide squeeze by JENNIE (and a gutsy call by the PANCAKE MASTER); SAK calling his shot à la Babe Ruth on a bloop single to left (the shotcall even included an impressive rainbow motion) and OBLIVIA’s triple to right, which drove in BEASTOR-X and drove an entire (Cherokee) Nation to demand a curtain call. OBLIVIA was called out at home plate on PAYNIS‘ single despite beating the throw home by a stride.

The SQUIDBONG! had to sit the game out on the bench with a right oblique strain, or so we were informed by SWITCHBLADE, who was filling in as team doctor after regular team physicians Dr. Zaius, Dr. Feelgood and Dr. Pepper were paged to their respective ERs after a ferry accident. SWITCHBLADE offered to perform emergency personality transplants on the opposing team, who declined because they believed the procedure might interfere with their softball fundamentals.

The SQUIDS will look to add another game to their seven game division lead next Monday night.

-SAK, #71

It was a particularly bright and muggy Tuesday afternoon. Sweat dripped from the brows of every Squid as they took their positions on the field. We had little Squids to spare, but we had just what we needed. On what might have been the worst of fields the Squids had ever played on that season, magic began to take place. Stunning plays by PAYNIS at first base paired with glorious catches by all-star pitcher COOLHAND to shut out the first inning, I knew these opposing chumps were in for a treat.

As we made our way in to bat, crowds of fans cheered from the stands holding signs saying, “Squidball or bust!” and “I want to have your baby PANCAKE MASTER!” and “GO SQUIDS!” SWITCHBLADE decided to bust out his favorite crowd pleaser as he made his way in, a double cartwheel, triple axle, summersault with a roll and tuck to finish. The crowd’s cheers could be heard for miles.

Our first at bat we scored an incredible 456 runs. DONRUSS made an impressive 75 home runs, but that didn’t top BUBBLE KING’s 201 RBIs. We had a slight lead after the first but we knew we would have to remain focused if we were going to win this one.

The game continued on as we shut out the opposing team in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th innings. As we took the field for the 7th we knew we had to play like we had never played before. We lead 3,987 to nothing and knew at any moment our opposing team could clench it in this final inning. The first at bat hit a line drive to right field, MMM-MMM acted fast, stopped it midfield and threw to 2nd to keep the runner from advancing. The crowd now began to chant, “Lets go Squ-ids, lets go!” (clap-clap) “Lets go Squ-ids, lets go!” (clap-clap).

The second batter was up. The outfield moved in and took their positions. The batter hit an unexpected pop up far into center field and KRUKKER was on the move. He dove, right arm extended into the grassy terrain to successfully catch the ball, popped right back up and threw to PAYNIS as the runner slid to first and what a play by PAYNIS and KRUKKER!  A beautiful two out at bat and we were ready for the last out.

COOLHAND pulled out her ol’ crazy eye of intimidation trick as the batter took his plate. Although no one has ever successfully gotten on base after the ol’ crazy eye of intimidation trick, the batter maintained a collectiveness that gave every Squid the chills. We knew we had to be at the top of our game for what we hoped was the last at bat. The first pitch was thrown, “STeeeeeRike!” called the ump. I sighed in relief. The second pitch was thrown, a monstrous crack and pop and the ball was sent soaring into left field. Everyone was on their toes as we awaited the outcome of this bombastic hit. PANCAKE MASTER leapt high into the air, higher than any human has ever leapt before, and the catch was heavenly. I’m convinced to this day that PANCAKE MASTER was given wings for that catch. The crowd was silent. The squids were silent. MANNY FRESH dropped her glove and slowly began to clap. Then SWITCH began to clap. Then MMM MMM. Soon every Squid was clapping, then the crowd was clapping, then the opposing team was clapping, everyone staring in awe! Everyone in Tower Grove Park that day was cheering for this momentous catch in left field! Tears were rolling down the cheeks of every Squid as we ran to congratulate our teammate.

We celebrated by guzzling beer out of the tubes of our mascot. Just another win for the best team in softball…

My sincerest apologizes to PANCAKE MASTER for taking so [expletive deleted!] long to get this emailed to you. And to everyone else who had to wait on my behalf.

-DES, #27

Okay Squids, I’m too excited about these to keep it an E-Mail-kept secret any longer!  Most or all of you should have seen these via E-Mail, but here they are for all the world to see: Squidbowling shirt mockups!

Front:

Back:

Yes, the Squid’s ten tentacles are each holding a bowling pin, and one of them is sticking through a bowling ball to create the “Q” in SQUIDS.

We are ordering them soon.  They will cost approximately $50-$60.  This amazing shirt-maker-guy Lenny is making them (he made my Pac-Man shirt, for those that have seen that) by hand, so $60 (which includes the print on the back and embroidery) is basically a steal, this shirt will last forever and be unstoppably awesome all the while.  Plus, if you ever have to substitute on (or join!) the Squidbowling team, you’ll want to be styling with the rest of us.  The colors above aren’t exact, and obviously my photo editing skills leave much to be desired, but you get the idea, stop complaining so much, jeez!

Kudos to JANTERNET on the logo, which I kept sending back even though she was working for free in faraway places with better things to do.

Let me know immediately if you want one of these, I will be ordering them soon.  Sizing Chart:

Size: Chest / Length (From Back of Collar to Hem)–

Medium: 42″ / 28″
Large: 50″ / 29″
X Large: 56″ / 31″
XX Large: 60″ / 33″

No, there is no “Small” option, but what’s a bowling shirt for, if not to hang a little loose on ya?  On account of cost and footwork, this is likely to be a one-time order, not like Squidball jerseys, which we order once or twice a year usually.  Get in on this today or you will be regretting it for the rest of your Squidlife.  10 Squids are already signed up to get these!  You don’t have to be a Squidbowler to get one (or really, even, an active Squid).  And of course, the embroidered name on the front is up to you.

SQUIDBOWL!

–PANCAKE MASTER, #88

Since DES. and y’all are takin’ yer sweet time gettin’ Squid reviews in to me, even though summer season is (probably?/pretty much?) over, here are some sweet laser portraits of a coupla Squids you know.  First, OBLIVIA, whose picture you should click on for more hilarious information:

Then there’s TOP GEAR who should submit his picture to that same site, if he hasn’t already.  Click it for the source:

LASER PORTRAIT SQUIDS!

–PANCAKE MASTER – #88

NW Shaw Drive Byz started strong.  They pushed bases left and right.  They tried hitting all the lines.  Every time, the Squids were there to shut ‘em down.  Not much more to say about this game, except nice try NW Shaw Drive Byz.  Better luck next time, chumps!

Riding high from the total annihilation of the NW Shaw Drive Byz, the Squids had to battle the Way Out Club’s band of misfits.  They were a formidable opponent.  Great on the base paths and in the field.  Taking the helm as general manager while on the Disabled List, PANCAKE MASTER coached an outstanding collection of Squids.  It was a definite grudge match, but of course the Squids came out on top what with the sure hands of SWITCHBLADE on the mound and the excellent fielding by BUBBLE KING, PAYNIS, MMM-MMM, and COOLHAND in the outfield.  The infield shone as usual with KRUKKER, OBLIVIA, CHUNSLIN, and LO.  The final out came from the perfect fielding of a short hit ball by BUBBLE KING’S sister SARAH. To the Way Out Club’s credit, they are the only team (to my knowledge) to match us in near perfection.  Final score 20, 839 to 20, 838.  Tough break, Way Outs, but you truly were worthy opponents.

A special thanks goes out to the multitude of fans that showed up to root for the Squids.  Those in attendance included the parents of one COOLHAND, the sisters of a certain BUBBLE KING, the boyfriend of the previous Squidball winner MMM-MMM, and vast array of others.  We couldn’t have done it without your support!

Victory mead was guzzled from the illustrious and ever-handy SQUIDBONG!

As always – Way to Squid it, Squids!

–LO

On this night, a most sacred of Squidgame annual rituals was performed.  The mighty squids all lined up with their offerings to the mighty Jungle Juice Jug.  SUB A DUB performed inspections to insure the jungle juice gods were not angered by our offerings.  Like a clap of thunder, her judgment came down on a few Squids “Too Dark!  Only clear alcohol allowed.  NEXT!” Brave TOP GEAR argued for the sake of his brass monkey, eventually winning its admission to the jug o’ glory.  When manager PANCAKE MASTER arrived the brew was topped with some orange punch.  Each Squid and Squidfan alike raised their glass to toast the jungle juice gods and ask for their continued guidance in total domination of all things Squid.  The game ensued.

The Squids were away that day, so during the first inning BUBBLE KING made sure to warn the home team of the power of the mighty Squids when fueled by jungle juice.  With a crack, the “unbreakable” bat went flying into shards of wood, raining down on the other team and the ump.  Amazing hits continued to shower the other team all night.

In the field, the Squid domination continued on, fueled by the potent jungle juice.  Amazing catches were made in the outfield by SAK, LO, MMM-MMM and others.  And, as usual, perfect plays were made at first, second and third bases.

As the game came to an end, the Squids all dipped their cup into their mighty jungle juice once more.  An inky twinkle was seen in their eyes.  Cheers were given, knees were taken, game balls awarded, and speeches made.  Squidlovin’ filled the air as the squids wrapped up their jungle juice ritual.

–MMM-MMM, #26

[Oh my, it was indeed as MMM-MMM says!  Then we even won trivia at Newstead Tower Public House, and wailed on some karaoke at Talayna's, as is Jungle Juice Night tradition! --PANCAKE MASTER, #88]

Now this is a story, all about how
Mike Duffy’s got flipped, turned upside-down
So I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there
I’ll tell you how the Squids won the day in the hot summer air.

In South Central Forest Park, born and raised
Playin’ Squidball, is how they spent most of their days
‘BLADEin’ out, SAKin’, chillaxin’ all real and all
COOLHANDin’ Squidball on Aviation Field

When a buncha turkey-trotters who were up to no good
Started gettin’ trounced in our neighborhood
We got a hundred thousand runs, and they all got scared,
While PRINCE OF PERSIA, BUBBLE KING, and CHUNSLIN didn’t even care.

A whistle from the ref, and when the dust cleared,
The Squids with MANNY FRESH and JENNIE drew all the cheers.
If anything, I’d say we cooked ‘em medium rare,
And in case you’d forget it, the SquidBox did blare!

Squids–pulled–up to the bench right about nine-thirty,
And I yelled to the team, “Yo Squids, take a knee!
We narrowly avoided the dreaded forfeit call,
So I’m givin’ makeshift Squid Bobbi this Squids gameball!”

–PANCAKE MASTER, #88

Four things (that I can recall):
1. Big ups to BUBBLE KING. As I recall, he hit about 17 homeruns and batted me in every time. Without the KING, my game ball win would not have been possible.
2. COOLHAND and SWITCHBLADE also had amazing outings on the mound. Would you expect anything less from our Carpenter-Wainwright combo!?!?
3. CHUNSLIN, DES., DONRUSS, KRUKKER, LO, and OBLIVIA all had stellar outings as well. I am proud to be a member of the greatest rec-league softball team in the history of all rec-league softball.
4. As usual, after a huge gameday win, 8 Squids gathered around the SQUIDBONG! to celebrate another amazing Squid victory. Check out the evidence below—
http://www.flickr.com/photos/pancakemaster/tags/jagerbombers/

Until next time……GO SQUIDS!!!!!

–MANNY FRESH, #16

[Fun Fact: The Jager Bombers used to be the STL Jaycees, a Black Thorn Leagues champion in days of yore. --PANCAKE MASTER, #88]