Okay Squids, I’m too excited about these to keep it an E-Mail-kept secret any longer!  Most or all of you should have seen these via E-Mail, but here they are for all the world to see: Squidbowling shirt mockups!

Front:

Back:

Yes, the Squid’s ten tentacles are each holding a bowling pin, and one of them is sticking through a bowling ball to create the “Q” in SQUIDS.

We are ordering them soon.  They will cost approximately $50-$60.  This amazing shirt-maker-guy Lenny is making them (he made my Pac-Man shirt, for those that have seen that) by hand, so $60 (which includes the print on the back and embroidery) is basically a steal, this shirt will last forever and be unstoppably awesome all the while.  Plus, if you ever have to substitute on (or join!) the Squidbowling team, you’ll want to be styling with the rest of us.  The colors above aren’t exact, and obviously my photo editing skills leave much to be desired, but you get the idea, stop complaining so much, jeez!

Kudos to JANTERNET on the logo, which I kept sending back even though she was working for free in faraway places with better things to do.

Let me know immediately if you want one of these, I will be ordering them soon.  Sizing Chart:

Size: Chest / Length (From Back of Collar to Hem)–

Medium: 42″ / 28″
Large: 50″ / 29″
X Large: 56″ / 31″
XX Large: 60″ / 33″

No, there is no “Small” option, but what’s a bowling shirt for, if not to hang a little loose on ya?  On account of cost and footwork, this is likely to be a one-time order, not like Squidball jerseys, which we order once or twice a year usually.  Get in on this today or you will be regretting it for the rest of your Squidlife.  10 Squids are already signed up to get these!  You don’t have to be a Squidbowler to get one (or really, even, an active Squid).  And of course, the embroidered name on the front is up to you.

SQUIDBOWL!

–PANCAKE MASTER, #88

Since DES. and y’all are takin’ yer sweet time gettin’ Squid reviews in to me, even though summer season is (probably?/pretty much?) over, here are some sweet laser portraits of a coupla Squids you know.  First, OBLIVIA, whose picture you should click on for more hilarious information:

Then there’s TOP GEAR who should submit his picture to that same site, if he hasn’t already.  Click it for the source:

LASER PORTRAIT SQUIDS!

–PANCAKE MASTER – #88

NW Shaw Drive Byz started strong.  They pushed bases left and right.  They tried hitting all the lines.  Every time, the Squids were there to shut ‘em down.  Not much more to say about this game, except nice try NW Shaw Drive Byz.  Better luck next time, chumps!

Riding high from the total annihilation of the NW Shaw Drive Byz, the Squids had to battle the Way Out Club’s band of misfits.  They were a formidable opponent.  Great on the base paths and in the field.  Taking the helm as general manager while on the Disabled List, PANCAKE MASTER coached an outstanding collection of Squids.  It was a definite grudge match, but of course the Squids came out on top what with the sure hands of SWITCHBLADE on the mound and the excellent fielding by BUBBLE KING, PAYNIS, MMM-MMM, and COOLHAND in the outfield.  The infield shone as usual with KRUKKER, OBLIVIA, CHUNSLIN, and LO.  The final out came from the perfect fielding of a short hit ball by BUBBLE KING’S sister SARAH. To the Way Out Club’s credit, they are the only team (to my knowledge) to match us in near perfection.  Final score 20, 839 to 20, 838.  Tough break, Way Outs, but you truly were worthy opponents.

A special thanks goes out to the multitude of fans that showed up to root for the Squids.  Those in attendance included the parents of one COOLHAND, the sisters of a certain BUBBLE KING, the boyfriend of the previous Squidball winner MMM-MMM, and vast array of others.  We couldn’t have done it without your support!

Victory mead was guzzled from the illustrious and ever-handy SQUIDBONG!

As always – Way to Squid it, Squids!

–LO

On this night, a most sacred of Squidgame annual rituals was performed.  The mighty squids all lined up with their offerings to the mighty Jungle Juice Jug.  SUB A DUB performed inspections to insure the jungle juice gods were not angered by our offerings.  Like a clap of thunder, her judgment came down on a few Squids “Too Dark!  Only clear alcohol allowed.  NEXT!” Brave TOP GEAR argued for the sake of his brass monkey, eventually winning its admission to the jug o’ glory.  When manager PANCAKE MASTER arrived the brew was topped with some orange punch.  Each Squid and Squidfan alike raised their glass to toast the jungle juice gods and ask for their continued guidance in total domination of all things Squid.  The game ensued.

The Squids were away that day, so during the first inning BUBBLE KING made sure to warn the home team of the power of the mighty Squids when fueled by jungle juice.  With a crack, the “unbreakable” bat went flying into shards of wood, raining down on the other team and the ump.  Amazing hits continued to shower the other team all night.

In the field, the Squid domination continued on, fueled by the potent jungle juice.  Amazing catches were made in the outfield by SAK, LO, MMM-MMM and others.  And, as usual, perfect plays were made at first, second and third bases.

As the game came to an end, the Squids all dipped their cup into their mighty jungle juice once more.  An inky twinkle was seen in their eyes.  Cheers were given, knees were taken, game balls awarded, and speeches made.  Squidlovin’ filled the air as the squids wrapped up their jungle juice ritual.

–MMM-MMM, #26

[Oh my, it was indeed as MMM-MMM says!  Then we even won trivia at Newstead Tower Public House, and wailed on some karaoke at Talayna's, as is Jungle Juice Night tradition! --PANCAKE MASTER, #88]

Now this is a story, all about how
Mike Duffy’s got flipped, turned upside-down
So I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there
I’ll tell you how the Squids won the day in the hot summer air.

In South Central Forest Park, born and raised
Playin’ Squidball, is how they spent most of their days
‘BLADEin’ out, SAKin’, chillaxin’ all real and all
COOLHANDin’ Squidball on Aviation Field

When a buncha turkey-trotters who were up to no good
Started gettin’ trounced in our neighborhood
We got a hundred thousand runs, and they all got scared,
While PRINCE OF PERSIA, BUBBLE KING, and CHUNSLIN didn’t even care.

A whistle from the ref, and when the dust cleared,
The Squids with MANNY FRESH and JENNIE drew all the cheers.
If anything, I’d say we cooked ‘em medium rare,
And in case you’d forget it, the SquidBox did blare!

Squids–pulled–up to the bench right about nine-thirty,
And I yelled to the team, “Yo Squids, take a knee!
We narrowly avoided the dreaded forfeit call,
So I’m givin’ makeshift Squid Bobbi this Squids gameball!”

–PANCAKE MASTER, #88

Four things (that I can recall):
1. Big ups to BUBBLE KING. As I recall, he hit about 17 homeruns and batted me in every time. Without the KING, my game ball win would not have been possible.
2. COOLHAND and SWITCHBLADE also had amazing outings on the mound. Would you expect anything less from our Carpenter-Wainwright combo!?!?
3. CHUNSLIN, DES., DONRUSS, KRUKKER, LO, and OBLIVIA all had stellar outings as well. I am proud to be a member of the greatest rec-league softball team in the history of all rec-league softball.
4. As usual, after a huge gameday win, 8 Squids gathered around the SQUIDBONG! to celebrate another amazing Squid victory. Check out the evidence below—
http://www.flickr.com/photos/pancakemaster/tags/jagerbombers/

Until next time……GO SQUIDS!!!!!

–MANNY FRESH, #16

[Fun Fact: The Jager Bombers used to be the STL Jaycees, a Black Thorn Leagues champion in days of yore. --PANCAKE MASTER, #88]

No one with the Squids did more Monday night than BEASTOR-X to keep the Squids’ winning streak alive.

BUBBLE KING earned the Most Valuable Player award for his role in a victory at Forest Park. The Squids stretched their unbeaten streak to 13 games (counting the tie in 2002).

“I got an award, so I must have done all right,” COOLHAND said.

DONRUSS entered the game as a pinch-hitter to start the fifth inning and singled to set up a game-tying run. He was out on a force play, but JENNIE scored in the inning on a two-out double by LIZ.

MANNY FRESH’s single was the warmup act in a play opposing teams have seen all too often.

On a seventh-inning drive to left field that appeared to be carrying into the visiting bullpen, SAK broke the opposition’s collective hearts by racing to the fence in time to make a leaping catch. It rivaled SCHRAPPEN’s play on Barry Bonds in the 2003 game.

“SWITCHBLADE does it easier,” BEASTOR-X said. “It’s been a long time since I’ve made a catch like that.”

Maybe never. Squids manager PANCAKE MASTER, who brought B. KING along with him from Tampa Bay, said it was the best catch of COOLHAND’s career.

DONRUSS’ speed, which has allowed him to lead the league in steals with 44, made the play possible. It was another sign the Squids do not have to hit homers to win.

The key was that JENNIE raced to the fence in time to make a well-timed leap. No other left fielder probably has the speed to do what LIZ did.

“I’m just lucky the ball stayed up so long and gave me some time,” MANNY FRESH said. “I just wanted to do something to help my team win.”

SAK’s catch served as another example of how speed has helped the Squids surpass their opponents. The Squids are no longer a slugger-only team.

“We’ve got Squids on this team who can do a lot of things,” Squids outfielder SCHRAPPEN said. “We can play the game in a lot of ways and do a lot of things to win.”

SWITCHBLADE contributed with his speed display in the eighth by reaching on a one-out triple. From the moment he made contact, he was determined to try for a triple.

“That’s the way we always play it,” manager P. MASTER said. “When Squids hit homers, opponents say ‘Why don’t you take it easy?’ We don’t do that, because we never know if it’s gone. We run as hard as we can and make them make a play on us.”

As long as the Squids keep churning out these types of players, the streak will live.

-SCHRAPPEN

[Yessss! Here is the lone picture I took on the night of 06/22/09. Click on it for more information and/or a larger/smaller version(s). --PANCAKE MASTER, #88]

The Overcoat by Nikolai Gogol
a new translation by SWITCHBLADE, #99

The Baseball Pants

KEES, truly a great Squidster saved money for six months to get new baseball pants. Stretchy kelly green sparkling gold pin stripes they lent him the luxuriant glow of a golden disco ball sun.

The new pants were a great relief after his old ones, holes in the back of the legs letting in the gravel during slides or dives and the detached fabric of the pinstripes wagging in the wind like a scraggly tail dedicated to ruining aerodynamics.

With the new pants the Squids were victorious once again and KEES was a golden propeller on the base paths guiding the Squids through the heavens of hard workin hard drinkin Squidnilhilation.

After the postgame pitcher and subsequent beering he stumbled back to Tower Grove bursting with pizza. The silent fields were spooky without the shot of the bats and Squid chants. KEES became nervous and thought, ‘I wish I had brought me bat tonight.’ In confirmation of this two dirty thugs jumped down from the roof of a gazebo landing a few feet in front of him.

“Nice pants” one said and winked; in a blur KEES found himself airbourne ‘just like a somersault’ he thought and in the next moment he was de-pantsed, cleats clattering into nearby bushes and picnic tables.

There he lay in plaid briefs and a jock-strap against the grass before setting off screaming to the closest police he could find — the off duty Mangia patrol. But they could offer no help.

“They stole my pants!”
“Who did? .. are they still here?”
“No, at the park, my new softball pants!”
“Oh.. we can’t help you, .. not on duty… we can call the police if you want.”

KEES stumbled off, even the police cant help what the hell use are they anyway he mumbled to himself.

Wandering through the south side who knows where as if his eyes and direction sense were burgled along with his pants, How would he ever take the field again? My savings from two years unemployment and all those tricks? KEES suddenly found that he had walked directly into the chest of a large police officer, he hadn’t even noticed her pull over with full lights on and step out into his path on the sidewalk.

“My pants..” he mumbled, “leave me alone”

The police officer shook her head and took him in for a night in the city jail. The holding cell was cramped, more like a dumpster than a room, they took away his jockstrap to prevent suffocation. KEES’s brother THE DENTIST picked him up the next day and the hot leather of the car seat burned his bare thighs.

Quickly taking to bed in his apartment he would not leave again until carried out in a bag four days later.

The sudden death was quite a blow to the Squids and they poured out an entire SQUIDBONG! at the next game. With all the gnashing of teeth, tears at the plate, and desolate wailing following perfectly executed double plays it is unsurprising that the mourning Squids nearly came within 39 of only winning by double digits.

Something strange happened at the next game however. Did you know that there are some players, apparently being bitter about not being a Squid sometimes go for those extra four bases when they are just losing by ten (before the Squids get their first at bat). You may be familiar with their jackalesque base shuffle and craven soul-less over-achievin’ ogre eyes?

Striding towards third on a bloop shot they would come to a stop stuck hopeless in a rundown of fear then lifted off their feet as pants draggin behind it a cackling wild eyed specter shot off with another pair of purloined slacks to add to its ghostly cache in the trees.

This happened at Forest Park and Tower Grove for the next few months. Some officials including the Tower Grove Park director tried to intervene but the mysterious ghost deftly removed their pants and they generally were sprinting home before they could say “Your ghost can not hang all these pants in the trees around here!”

#99 - SWITCHBLADE

The Squids started off in the usual awesome manner, by getting 6 quick outs. (6 up, 6 down) About 5 of those outs were grounders fielded by DONRUSS.

At bat, the Squids rocked just as hard. Nothing fancy, just grounders hit through the holes in the infield. BUBBLE KING, MANNY FRESH, and KRUKKER all got on base with their perfectly placed grounders. The only way they could stop us was by switching DR. DOCTOR’ s wooden bat with a metal bat. Robbing him of the homerun he hit, and replacing it with an out.

It was during the top of the 5th (or maybe the 7th) that I stole the game ball from DONRUSS, who up to this point had made play after play with pinpoint precision. At one point, DONRUSS just looked at some girl from the other team, she fell, enabling him to tag her out.

Now, some might think what happened next was excessive. Unfortunately, the bitter taste of defeat sometimes causes people to do ridiculous things (not everyone lives by the Squid Code). Anyways, there were two outs and Jerk-face is up to bat (I don’t know his real name). He hits it into the outfield. DR. DOCTOR runs after it and relays it into DONRUSS. As Jerk-face rounds third, DONRUSS throws the ball to me right in front of home plate. But before I could turn to tag the runner, I am tackled. Despite, being knocked down, I still got the out, ending the game.

The ref let have our last at bats due to the outrageous actions of the other team. In the end we won. (duh!)

–OBLIVIA, #5

[Many thanks to DR. DOCTOR for doing some much-appreciated guest-Squidwork at first base and in the outfield, and congratulations-a-plenty to OBLIVIA on her injury-or-no-injury gameball win in Tuesday's startling slaughter of a game by the Squids. --PANCAKE MASTER, #88]

(click the above scanned-in image if you’re having trouble reading it. Here are some pictures taken by COOLHAND at probably-different, perhaps earlier? games, at Tower Grove Park and Forest Park, to accompany this post)