Be sure to check these rosters and let me know if you have any major problems with them…Please note that they’ve been changed from the earlier roster lists.

I’ve spent the better part of the morning sifting through the mint-er-net trying to find information on coed recreational basketball leagues in the Saint Louis area.  Mostly I have failed!  I contacted a few parties, and finally just posted this in hopes that someone can offer some kind of information (even if that information is “what you’re looking for decidedly DOES NOT EXIST”).

It’d be too bad if it DIDN’T exist, I think we have a lot of people (and might I add, especially Squid-galz) that would excel on a coed recreational basketball league.

Anyway, if y’all (or anyone reading this) has any information about a coed, recreational basketball league in the area (winter/indoor preferred, just so it doesn’t interfere with summer Squidball), comment or contact the Squids in a thrifty manner!

(yes, those shirts say “Squid Basketball”)

–PANCAKE MASTER, #88

The penultimate eve of September found The St. Louis Squids squishing a couple of woeful challengers at Lyon Park.  The double header was a rarity in that the opponent was not the same for both games.  The first batch of victims goes by the name The Great Grizzly Bears.  The Squids thrashed this sorry lot just a few weeks ago, and this game was no different.

BEASTOR-X was late to the game after dealing with some sort of equipment problem.  Rather than move an outfielder to shortstop, BUBBLE KING, serving as team manager, elected to keep the outfield protected, and covered both short and third all by his lonesome.  But, on the first pitch of the game, the Grizzlies spotted their only chance to get a leg up on the Squids.  BUBBLE KING and SOUTHSIDESARA were discussing strategy in left field, unaware that the game was beginning.  With effectively no defense on the left side of the infield, a scavenging Grizzly drilled a single right through that gap.  In doing so, he woke a sleeping giant.  The Squids collectively used their mind-warping powers to force the next three batters to hit straight to BUBBLE KING, allowing him to exact his revenge.  Meanwhile, BEASTOR-X showed up, and The Green Machine throttled into high gear!

As per usual, the Squids’ runs piled up like gold bars at Fort Knox and the Grizzlies’ batters went down like moths on a bug zapper.  Defensive gems from the likes of SOUTHSIDESARA and TRUCKEY complemented COOLHAND’s perfectly-pitched game.  SWITCHBLADE, SCHRAPPEN, SAK and PRINCE OF PERSIA all crushed the ball repeatedly, on the debut of the new B-52 Bomber bat, and OBLIVIA had RBIs to spare!

In the end, The Squids downed The Whatever They Were Called Agains by a final score of 135,055 to 12.  You know how I said OBLIVIA had RBIs to spare?  Well, charitable as she is, she donated 12 of them to the other team, which explains the score.

The second game of the night did not prove to be quite as easy.  The Squids had no need to warm up again, and so they did not generate the normal 10,000 – 20,000 runs that they usually score before the game even begins.  As a result, the streak of winning every game in 2009 by at least 100,000 runs was in serious JEOPARDY!

The St. Alexius Wombats had every intention of ending the Squids 100k streak.  Fortunately the Squidbats came alive.  Every Squid had a multitude of RBIs.  SAK even managed to get 5 RBIs on a ground ball to the 3rd basemen.

Going into the last inning, The Squids were only leading 100,013 to 14.  PRINCE OF PERSIA used mind games while running the bases to confuse the entire opposing infield into allowing him to score and other runners to advance when a routine play should have ended the inning.  SCHRAPPEN drove in two crucial runs.  The Squids held a narrow 100,017 to 14 lead going into the bottom of the inning.  I must give The St. Whoever Whatevers credit; despite excellent pitching on the part of SWITCHBLADE, they put together a forceful offensive surge.  They scored three runs on a couple of drives to the outfield, but the deadly 18th run was prevented when a quick-thinking BEASTOR-X kicked the ball out of play, which held an advancing runner at 3rd base.  Soon after that, the game was over.  The final score was 100,017 to 17, narrowly preserving The Squids 100k+ margin-of-victory streak.  Nice try, Wombats.

In an unprecedented (and hopefully seldom imitated) move, coach BUBBLE KING awarded a game ball to each and every Squid who played in these two marvelous games.  It wasn’t just a stunt.  He sincerely felt that these games were won through undying effort and teamwork on everyone’s part.  If only PANCAKE MASTER could’ve seen it.  My earlier reference to JEOPARDY! was no coincidence.  These games took place on a day where our beloved coach PANCAKE MASTER was away in California, to be on an episode of the long-running game show.  Post-game reports from L.A. indicated that he did not film an episode on game day, but would instead be filming on Wednesday, September 30th.  As I write this review, in the early morning hours of October 1st, I wait anxiously to learn how he did.  All I can do is let PANCAKE MASTER know:  The Squids were rootin’ for you, buddy!

It was the best of games, it was the worst of games. It was a perfect, hot, but not too hot, August evening. The late-day sun massaged the Squids with its gentle rays, while it simultaneously cooked the brains of our foolish opponent, Ball Bustaz. Though our defense was impenetrable for most of the game, the bats were only lukewarm. In the last, or maybe second-to-last inning, various strokes of bad luck allowed the lowly Bustaz to finally get on the board. In technical terms, this led to the game ending in a 4 – 4 tie. Of course, after including our bonus runs from pre-game warm-ups, and after coach PANCAKE MASTER filed the paperwork, the official score was 127,881 to 4. It was a crushing victory. Our winning streak stayed alive. So did our streak of winning all games in 2009 by 100,000 runs or more. But an “unofficial” tie was insulting. I was left feeling empty.

However, that August night, I was awarded The Game Ball for the first time in my Squids career. I was shocked. I considered it for a moment, and realized that, YEAH!, I had made some pretty great plays. And that YEAH!, so had all the Squids. I looked at the bigger picture. Despite being undefeated, perennial champions since the inaugural season in 2005, the Squids have never once rested on their laurels. Some days are harder than others, but a crushing victory by way of an unofficial tie is just as good as a crushing victory by way of an unofficial win. These realizations quickly scrubbed away my disappointment. And so I’d like to amend my opening line… it was simply the best of games. Come to think of it, I don’t think a Squidball game can even be a “worst of” anything.

Thanks to the Squids who played that night:

BEASTOR-X, COOLHAND, JBIRD, SMALLS, MOTORBOAT, PANCAKE MASTER, SAK, SCHRAPPEN and SWITCHBLADE.

You all continue to show me just how special Squiddin’ It really is.

-BUBBLE KING

(Note: This game was originally scheduled for April 13, but had been postponed due to the Ball Bustaz fear of playing us. Perhaps they’re not so foolish afterall?)

–CHUNSLIN, #1

[This gem was crafted at the Black Thorn in the post-Squidgame session.  Don't you dare think you can get away with that every time, though!  I'm not sure why it was such a dark day if the Squids were victorious.  The literary ramifications of this review are mind-boggling!  A masterpiece of subtlety and intrigue.  Good show, OBLIVIA!  --PANCAKE MASTER, #88]

Three point eight inches. The diameter of a softball. Games and championships are decided by less than this margin. The two strike sinker from COOLHAND dropped into the dirt behind home plate after the mighty swing and whiff of the six foot, two hundred and fifty pound batter missed the ball by a full three point eight inches, maintaining the zero-zero tie ballgame.

That was the third out of the top of the first inning. In the subsequent half-inning, the Squids opened up a twenty run lead after CHUNSLIN smashed a five run homer to deep left field, scoring MANNY FRESH, PAYNIS, JENNIE and BEASTOR-X, who scored from his post as third base coach.

Further highlights included: MOTORBOAT scoring from first on a expertly placed suicide squeeze by JENNIE (and a gutsy call by the PANCAKE MASTER); SAK calling his shot à la Babe Ruth on a bloop single to left (the shotcall even included an impressive rainbow motion) and OBLIVIA’s triple to right, which drove in BEASTOR-X and drove an entire (Cherokee) Nation to demand a curtain call. OBLIVIA was called out at home plate on PAYNIS‘ single despite beating the throw home by a stride.

The SQUIDBONG! had to sit the game out on the bench with a right oblique strain, or so we were informed by SWITCHBLADE, who was filling in as team doctor after regular team physicians Dr. Zaius, Dr. Feelgood and Dr. Pepper were paged to their respective ERs after a ferry accident. SWITCHBLADE offered to perform emergency personality transplants on the opposing team, who declined because they believed the procedure might interfere with their softball fundamentals.

The SQUIDS will look to add another game to their seven game division lead next Monday night.

-SAK, #71

It was a particularly bright and muggy Tuesday afternoon. Sweat dripped from the brows of every Squid as they took their positions on the field. We had little Squids to spare, but we had just what we needed. On what might have been the worst of fields the Squids had ever played on that season, magic began to take place. Stunning plays by PAYNIS at first base paired with glorious catches by all-star pitcher COOLHAND to shut out the first inning, I knew these opposing chumps were in for a treat.

As we made our way in to bat, crowds of fans cheered from the stands holding signs saying, “Squidball or bust!” and “I want to have your baby PANCAKE MASTER!” and “GO SQUIDS!” SWITCHBLADE decided to bust out his favorite crowd pleaser as he made his way in, a double cartwheel, triple axle, summersault with a roll and tuck to finish. The crowd’s cheers could be heard for miles.

Our first at bat we scored an incredible 456 runs. DONRUSS made an impressive 75 home runs, but that didn’t top BUBBLE KING’s 201 RBIs. We had a slight lead after the first but we knew we would have to remain focused if we were going to win this one.

The game continued on as we shut out the opposing team in the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th innings. As we took the field for the 7th we knew we had to play like we had never played before. We lead 3,987 to nothing and knew at any moment our opposing team could clench it in this final inning. The first at bat hit a line drive to right field, MMM-MMM acted fast, stopped it midfield and threw to 2nd to keep the runner from advancing. The crowd now began to chant, “Lets go Squ-ids, lets go!” (clap-clap) “Lets go Squ-ids, lets go!” (clap-clap).

The second batter was up. The outfield moved in and took their positions. The batter hit an unexpected pop up far into center field and KRUKKER was on the move. He dove, right arm extended into the grassy terrain to successfully catch the ball, popped right back up and threw to PAYNIS as the runner slid to first and what a play by PAYNIS and KRUKKER!  A beautiful two out at bat and we were ready for the last out.

COOLHAND pulled out her ol’ crazy eye of intimidation trick as the batter took his plate. Although no one has ever successfully gotten on base after the ol’ crazy eye of intimidation trick, the batter maintained a collectiveness that gave every Squid the chills. We knew we had to be at the top of our game for what we hoped was the last at bat. The first pitch was thrown, “STeeeeeRike!” called the ump. I sighed in relief. The second pitch was thrown, a monstrous crack and pop and the ball was sent soaring into left field. Everyone was on their toes as we awaited the outcome of this bombastic hit. PANCAKE MASTER leapt high into the air, higher than any human has ever leapt before, and the catch was heavenly. I’m convinced to this day that PANCAKE MASTER was given wings for that catch. The crowd was silent. The squids were silent. MANNY FRESH dropped her glove and slowly began to clap. Then SWITCH began to clap. Then MMM MMM. Soon every Squid was clapping, then the crowd was clapping, then the opposing team was clapping, everyone staring in awe! Everyone in Tower Grove Park that day was cheering for this momentous catch in left field! Tears were rolling down the cheeks of every Squid as we ran to congratulate our teammate.

We celebrated by guzzling beer out of the tubes of our mascot. Just another win for the best team in softball…

My sincerest apologizes to PANCAKE MASTER for taking so [expletive deleted!] long to get this emailed to you. And to everyone else who had to wait on my behalf.

-DES, #27

Okay Squids, I’m too excited about these to keep it an E-Mail-kept secret any longer!  Most or all of you should have seen these via E-Mail, but here they are for all the world to see: Squidbowling shirt mockups!

Front:

Back:

Yes, the Squid’s ten tentacles are each holding a bowling pin, and one of them is sticking through a bowling ball to create the “Q” in SQUIDS.

We are ordering them soon.  They will cost approximately $50-$60.  This amazing shirt-maker-guy Lenny is making them (he made my Pac-Man shirt, for those that have seen that) by hand, so $60 (which includes the print on the back and embroidery) is basically a steal, this shirt will last forever and be unstoppably awesome all the while.  Plus, if you ever have to substitute on (or join!) the Squidbowling team, you’ll want to be styling with the rest of us.  The colors above aren’t exact, and obviously my photo editing skills leave much to be desired, but you get the idea, stop complaining so much, jeez!

Kudos to JANTERNET on the logo, which I kept sending back even though she was working for free in faraway places with better things to do.

Let me know immediately if you want one of these, I will be ordering them soon.  Sizing Chart:

Size: Chest / Length (From Back of Collar to Hem)–

Medium: 42″ / 28″
Large: 50″ / 29″
X Large: 56″ / 31″
XX Large: 60″ / 33″

No, there is no “Small” option, but what’s a bowling shirt for, if not to hang a little loose on ya?  On account of cost and footwork, this is likely to be a one-time order, not like Squidball jerseys, which we order once or twice a year usually.  Get in on this today or you will be regretting it for the rest of your Squidlife.  10 Squids are already signed up to get these!  You don’t have to be a Squidbowler to get one (or really, even, an active Squid).  And of course, the embroidered name on the front is up to you.

SQUIDBOWL!

–PANCAKE MASTER, #88

Since DES. and y’all are takin’ yer sweet time gettin’ Squid reviews in to me, even though summer season is (probably?/pretty much?) over, here are some sweet laser portraits of a coupla Squids you know.  First, OBLIVIA, whose picture you should click on for more hilarious information:

Then there’s TOP GEAR who should submit his picture to that same site, if he hasn’t already.  Click it for the source:

LASER PORTRAIT SQUIDS!

–PANCAKE MASTER – #88