The penultimate eve of September found The St. Louis Squids squishing a couple of woeful challengers at Lyon Park.  The double header was a rarity in that the opponent was not the same for both games.  The first batch of victims goes by the name The Great Grizzly Bears.  The Squids thrashed this sorry lot just a few weeks ago, and this game was no different.

BEASTOR-X was late to the game after dealing with some sort of equipment problem.  Rather than move an outfielder to shortstop, BUBBLE KING, serving as team manager, elected to keep the outfield protected, and covered both short and third all by his lonesome.  But, on the first pitch of the game, the Grizzlies spotted their only chance to get a leg up on the Squids.  BUBBLE KING and SOUTHSIDESARA were discussing strategy in left field, unaware that the game was beginning.  With effectively no defense on the left side of the infield, a scavenging Grizzly drilled a single right through that gap.  In doing so, he woke a sleeping giant.  The Squids collectively used their mind-warping powers to force the next three batters to hit straight to BUBBLE KING, allowing him to exact his revenge.  Meanwhile, BEASTOR-X showed up, and The Green Machine throttled into high gear!

As per usual, the Squids’ runs piled up like gold bars at Fort Knox and the Grizzlies’ batters went down like moths on a bug zapper.  Defensive gems from the likes of SOUTHSIDESARA and TRUCKEY complemented COOLHAND’s perfectly-pitched game.  SWITCHBLADE, SCHRAPPEN, SAK and PRINCE OF PERSIA all crushed the ball repeatedly, on the debut of the new B-52 Bomber bat, and OBLIVIA had RBIs to spare!

In the end, The Squids downed The Whatever They Were Called Agains by a final score of 135,055 to 12.  You know how I said OBLIVIA had RBIs to spare?  Well, charitable as she is, she donated 12 of them to the other team, which explains the score.

The second game of the night did not prove to be quite as easy.  The Squids had no need to warm up again, and so they did not generate the normal 10,000 – 20,000 runs that they usually score before the game even begins.  As a result, the streak of winning every game in 2009 by at least 100,000 runs was in serious JEOPARDY!

The St. Alexius Wombats had every intention of ending the Squids 100k streak.  Fortunately the Squidbats came alive.  Every Squid had a multitude of RBIs.  SAK even managed to get 5 RBIs on a ground ball to the 3rd basemen.

Going into the last inning, The Squids were only leading 100,013 to 14.  PRINCE OF PERSIA used mind games while running the bases to confuse the entire opposing infield into allowing him to score and other runners to advance when a routine play should have ended the inning.  SCHRAPPEN drove in two crucial runs.  The Squids held a narrow 100,017 to 14 lead going into the bottom of the inning.  I must give The St. Whoever Whatevers credit; despite excellent pitching on the part of SWITCHBLADE, they put together a forceful offensive surge.  They scored three runs on a couple of drives to the outfield, but the deadly 18th run was prevented when a quick-thinking BEASTOR-X kicked the ball out of play, which held an advancing runner at 3rd base.  Soon after that, the game was over.  The final score was 100,017 to 17, narrowly preserving The Squids 100k+ margin-of-victory streak.  Nice try, Wombats.

In an unprecedented (and hopefully seldom imitated) move, coach BUBBLE KING awarded a game ball to each and every Squid who played in these two marvelous games.  It wasn’t just a stunt.  He sincerely felt that these games were won through undying effort and teamwork on everyone’s part.  If only PANCAKE MASTER could’ve seen it.  My earlier reference to JEOPARDY! was no coincidence.  These games took place on a day where our beloved coach PANCAKE MASTER was away in California, to be on an episode of the long-running game show.  Post-game reports from L.A. indicated that he did not film an episode on game day, but would instead be filming on Wednesday, September 30th.  As I write this review, in the early morning hours of October 1st, I wait anxiously to learn how he did.  All I can do is let PANCAKE MASTER know:  The Squids were rootin’ for you, buddy!