The Overcoat by Nikolai Gogol
a new translation by SWITCHBLADE, #99

The Baseball Pants

KEES, truly a great Squidster saved money for six months to get new baseball pants. Stretchy kelly green sparkling gold pin stripes they lent him the luxuriant glow of a golden disco ball sun.

The new pants were a great relief after his old ones, holes in the back of the legs letting in the gravel during slides or dives and the detached fabric of the pinstripes wagging in the wind like a scraggly tail dedicated to ruining aerodynamics.

With the new pants the Squids were victorious once again and KEES was a golden propeller on the base paths guiding the Squids through the heavens of hard workin hard drinkin Squidnilhilation.

After the postgame pitcher and subsequent beering he stumbled back to Tower Grove bursting with pizza. The silent fields were spooky without the shot of the bats and Squid chants. KEES became nervous and thought, ‘I wish I had brought me bat tonight.’ In confirmation of this two dirty thugs jumped down from the roof of a gazebo landing a few feet in front of him.

“Nice pants” one said and winked; in a blur KEES found himself airbourne ‘just like a somersault’ he thought and in the next moment he was de-pantsed, cleats clattering into nearby bushes and picnic tables.

There he lay in plaid briefs and a jock-strap against the grass before setting off screaming to the closest police he could find — the off duty Mangia patrol. But they could offer no help.

“They stole my pants!”
“Who did? .. are they still here?”
“No, at the park, my new softball pants!”
“Oh.. we can’t help you, .. not on duty… we can call the police if you want.”

KEES stumbled off, even the police cant help what the hell use are they anyway he mumbled to himself.

Wandering through the south side who knows where as if his eyes and direction sense were burgled along with his pants, How would he ever take the field again? My savings from two years unemployment and all those tricks? KEES suddenly found that he had walked directly into the chest of a large police officer, he hadn’t even noticed her pull over with full lights on and step out into his path on the sidewalk.

“My pants..” he mumbled, “leave me alone”

The police officer shook her head and took him in for a night in the city jail. The holding cell was cramped, more like a dumpster than a room, they took away his jockstrap to prevent suffocation. KEES‘s brother THE DENTIST picked him up the next day and the hot leather of the car seat burned his bare thighs.

Quickly taking to bed in his apartment he would not leave again until carried out in a bag four days later.

The sudden death was quite a blow to the Squids and they poured out an entire SQUIDBONG! at the next game. With all the gnashing of teeth, tears at the plate, and desolate wailing following perfectly executed double plays it is unsurprising that the mourning Squids nearly came within 39 of only winning by double digits.

Something strange happened at the next game however. Did you know that there are some players, apparently being bitter about not being a Squid sometimes go for those extra four bases when they are just losing by ten (before the Squids get their first at bat). You may be familiar with their jackalesque base shuffle and craven soul-less over-achievin’ ogre eyes?

Striding towards third on a bloop shot they would come to a stop stuck hopeless in a rundown of fear then lifted off their feet as pants draggin behind it a cackling wild eyed specter shot off with another pair of purloined slacks to add to its ghostly cache in the trees.

This happened at Forest Park and Tower Grove for the next few months. Some officials including the Tower Grove Park director tried to intervene but the mysterious ghost deftly removed their pants and they generally were sprinting home before they could say “Your ghost can not hang all these pants in the trees around here!”

#99 - SWITCHBLADE